Artie Kendall, NBC’s Late Night ghost

July 14, 2006 at 11:19 am | Posted in Comedy | 36 Comments

My absolute favorite Conan O’Brien skit is Artie Kendall, Late Night’s singing ghost, who materializes in the studio to sing wildly offensive songs about current events, women, and the Irish.

My love for Artie has something to do with the time my Irish cousin (like, literally from Ireland) was watching Conan with me, and started humorlessly complaining about Artie’s woman-bashing lyrics. Immediately, Artie launched into this little ditty:

Oh, Irish people’s brains are made of ham
And when they wet their pants they still don’t give a damn
They’re lazy drunken scum
And they’re drinking all our rum
Just so they can puke on Uncle Sam

Oh my GOSH, it was hilarious. I thought she was going to break the TV in her raging red-headed fury. Conan, I haven’t seen Artie in awhile, and I miss him — bring him back! Anyway, I can’t find any video, but more of Artie’s lyrics are after the jump:

Oh, let’s surrender to the Germans right away
And listen to what Hitler has to say
And let’s tell ol’ Hirohito
That serving him would be neat-o
There’s no way we can beat them anyway

Oh, our economy has slowed down to a stop
But there’s an easy way to put our country back on top
The solution, my dear neighbour
Is just bring back child labor
And work those little bastards ’til they drop

Oh, women shouldn’t learn to read and write
They should just have babies morning, noon and night
And if they say they want careers
We should round them up like steers
And lock them in their kitchens good and tight

Oh, women shouldn’t have the right to vote
I’d rather hear opinions from a goat
They’re clearly all insane
We should just remove their brain
Then send them out to sea and sink the boat

Oh, women shouldn’t be allowed to talk
We should seal their lips with strong adhesive caulk
And if they try to write things down
We should drag them outta town
And anesthetize their legs so they can’t walk

Oh, every Irish person’s hooked on dope
And their heroin is all blessed by the pope
They mix it with cocaine
And inject it in their brain
I guess it helps the lazy bastards cope

Oh, Irish men pour whiskey on their meat
And they always wake up face down in the street
After booze goes down their throats
They all have sex with goats
So their kids have cloven hooves instead of feet

Oh, Irish people worship pagan rocks
And they all hide extra whiskey in their socks
Their priests are commie spies
And their nuns are really guys
Let’s chase them off with strong electric shocks

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  1. Just stumbled upon this looking for Artie Kendall lyrics. Its my fav skit too.

    Thanks for the post.

  2. I love this sketch too and the latest episode featured Artie Kendall so I thought I’d offer up some of the newest lyrics:

    Oh, the poor are all just lazy parasites
    Who don’t deserve their constituti’nal rights
    Instead of givin’ food and jobs
    To those no good dirty slobs
    We should kill them off with gladiator fights, baba-dah-boo

    Oh, women shouldn’t ever speak their mind
    If they do they should be thrown in jail or fined
    If they disagree with men
    We should put them in a pen
    And brand them all like cows on their behinds, sizzle-zee-sue

    Oh, Irishmen are monkeys in disguise
    And they feed their children whiskey flavored pies
    They grunt instead of talk
    And drag their knuckles when they walk
    And their little primate brains are walnut sized

  3. HILARIOUS. Thanks so much for posting those.

  4. thankx for the other ones

    some more that i remember from earlier:

    Oh Roosevelt says that we should help the poor,
    but i dont think theyre any better than manueur
    We should confiscate their land,
    instead of giving them a hand,
    and make them live like rats down in the sewer
    babada boo!

    Oh women shouldnt get to go to school
    anyone who educates them is a fool
    They should focus on their looks,
    Instead of reading books
    And carry men’s possesions like a muel
    babada doo!

  5. The Great Depression
    ====================

    Oh, I’ve heard that lots of hobos live in caves
    An’ they’re spreadin’ across this land of ours in waves
    They’re ridin’ on the rails
    We should throw ’em all in jails
    Or round them up an’ make ’em all our slaves

    Oh, lets surrender to the Germans right away
    And listen to what Hitler has to say
    And lets tell ol’ Hirohito
    That serving him would be neatto
    There’s no way we can beat them anyway

    Oh, our economy has slowned down to a stop
    But there’s an easy way to put our country back on top
    The solution my dear neighbour
    Is to just bring back child labor
    And work those little bastards ’til they drop

    Oh, it’s been a week since the big stock market crashed
    And hobos can’t afford their corn beef hash
    They’re lining up for bread
    So let’s bash ’em on the head
    And toss ’em in the dumpster with the trash

    Oh, Roosevelt says we should help the poor
    But I say they’re no better than manure
    Instead of giving them a hand
    We should confiscate their land
    And make them live like rats down in the sewer

    Oh, Al Capone should be declared a saint
    Some say the man is evil but he ain’t
    It should never be a sin
    To sell rich folks bootleg gin
    While the poor folks all drink toxic latex paint

    Oh, the poor are all just lazy parasites
    Who don’t deserve their constitutional rights
    Instead of giving food and jobs
    To those no good dirty slobs
    We should kill ’em off with gladiator fights

    Songs for the ladies
    ====================

    Oh, women shouldn’t learn to read ‘n’ write
    They should just have babies mornin’, noon ‘n’ night
    An’ if they say they want careers
    We should round them up like steers
    And lock them in their kitchens good ‘n’ tight

    Oh, women shouldn’t have the right to vote
    I’d rather hear opinions from a goat
    They’re clearly all insane
    We should just remove their brain
    Then send them out to sea an’ sink the boat

    Oh, women shouldn’t be allowed to talk
    We should seal their lips with strong adhesive caulk
    An’ if they try to write things down
    We should drag them outta town
    An’ anesthetize their legs so they can’t walk

    Oh, women should be forced to stay indoors
    And never fed until they’ve done their chores
    But men should all ran free
    To commit adultery
    With an endless string of sleazy German whores

    Oh, women shouldn’t get to go to school
    Anyone who educates them is a fool
    Instead of reading books
    They should focus on their looks
    And carry men’s possessions like a mule

    Oh, women should be pregnant every day
    From their early teens until they’re old and grey
    And when they’re tired of labour pain
    We should wrap ’em up in chains
    And dump ’em into San Francisco bay

    Oh, women shouldn’t speak their mind
    If they do they should be thrown in jail or fined
    If they disagree with men
    We should put them in a pen
    And brand them all like cows on their behinds

    Songs about the Irish
    =====================

    Oh, Irish people’s brains are made of ham
    An’ when they wet their pants they still don’t give a damn
    They’re lazy drunken scum
    An’ they chargin’ all our rum
    Just so they can puke on Uncle Sam

    Oh, Irish people all evolved from rats
    And they wear their worn out liver as their hats
    They sleep in piles of dung
    I’ve heard they even eat their young
    –missing the last line due to a commercial break summoned by Conan–

    Oh, Irish people’s brains are made of corn
    An’ they all get drunk before they’re even born
    — the rest of the lines were interrupted–

    Oh, every Irish person’s hooked on dope
    And heroin is all blessed by the pope
    They mix it with cocaine
    And inject it in their brain
    I guess it helps the lazy bastards cope

    Oh, Irish men pour whiskey on their meat
    And they always wake up face down in the street
    After booze goes down their throats
    They all have sex with goats
    So their kids have cloven hooves instead of feet

    Oh, Irish people worship pagan rocks
    And they all hide extra whiskey in their socks
    Their priests are commie spies
    And their nuns are really guys
    Lets chase them off with strong electric shocks

    Oh, Irish men are monkeys in disguise
    And they feed their children whiskey flavored pies
    They grunt instead of talk
    Drag their knuckles when they walk
    And little primate brains of wallnut size

  6. How is it possible that we don’t have this on youtube somewhere? WE NEED IT.

    THESE ARE FRIGGING HILARIOUS

  7. I finally found a video online. Go to NBC.com, then Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and click on the video link. Then in the pop-up window, select “At the Desk,” then “Ghost Crooner (8/29/06).”
    Let me take this opportunity to strongly suggest to NBC that they redesign their super crappy video player to make it easier to search the clips, and also suggest that they put up way more Artie Kendall skits.

  8. MNAY THANKS TO SPILL………..I’ve been looking for Artie video for like 20 minutes. I guess checking NBC.com was too obvious. And, you’re so rite that player BLOWS. Thanks again.

  9. Here’s the latest from Artie:

    2/5/07
    ———
    Oh, the farmers say they need a helping hand
    But I say we should kick ’em off their land
    We’ll send in lots of cops
    And burn down all their crops
    And turn their pastures into desert sand, desert-e-doo!

    Oh, women shouldn’t disagree with men
    If they do they should be locked up in a pen
    We’ll shackle ’em with chains
    And lobotomize their brains
    To make damn sure they don’t disagree again, lobotomy-loo!

    Oh, the Irish shouldn’t be allowed to breed
    We already have more drunkards than we need
    They’re all just lazy slobs
    Who wanna take away our jobs
    And when you cut their fingers whiskey’s all they bleed, whiskety-woo!

  10. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x157l5_070206015912

    This goes to a video for the skit actually just posted by Humberto. Seriously, why doesn’t youtube have this yet?

  11. HAHAHAHAHA, thats crazy, Dante. I’m the one who posted that video. I deleted it because I didn’t think anyone was watching it. I’ll have to repost it. I’m also gonna post the one that just aired today.

    Oh, the Germans just joined with the Japanese
    And they might let us join too if we say please
    Lets thwart the axis powers, by surrendering like cowards
    And beg for hitlers mercy on our knees
    Hitlery Hoo..

    Oh, women shouldnt be allowed to think
    They should all be mindless zombies dressed in pink
    With ribbons in their hair
    And a catatonic stare
    And some strong perfume incase they start to stink
    Stenchidy stew

    Oh, Irish men have monkey DNA
    And they drink all night so they can puke all day
    We should lure them onto ships
    With whiskey, fish and chips
    And dump those lazy bastards in the bay
    Drownidy mick

  12. […] there was also a performance from ghost artie kendall. check here for some of his lyrics […]

  13. NBC put the monkey DNA one up on YouTube: https://spill.wordpress.com/2006/07/14/artie-kendall-nbcs-late-night-ghost/

  14. These lyrics are great. Is the piano music original, or did they take that tune from somewhere?? I want to know so I can grab it to record my own versions of the songs.

  15. Alright, I went ahead and made a youtube video of me singing a couple of these songs as Artie Kendall, it’s just so fun! Here is the link:

  16. On this one…

    Oh, Irish people worship pagan rocks
    And they all hide extra whiskey in their socks
    Their priests are commie spies
    And their nuns are really guys
    Let’s chase them off with strong electric shocks

    They left off a tag Artie ends the song with which really got me. It goes:

    Oh, Irish people worship pagan rocks
    And they all hide extra whiskey in their socks
    Their priests are commie spies
    And their nuns are really guys
    Let’s chase them off with strong electric shocks
    Zappity Mick!

  17. Democrats are plagued with bleeding hearts
    And the welfare they dispense is off the charts
    They give money to the poor
    Instead of David Vitter’s whore,
    Let’s target their behinds with poison darts
    Leftity-Loo

  18. Children and jet air flights just don’t fit
    They cry and kick my seat and never sit
    They foul the john with sticky hands
    And drive me nuts till the plane lands
    Let’s put them down for a nap that doesn’t quit
    Smothery-ooo!

  19. Mexicans cross the border illegally
    Then get health care at emergency rooms for free
    They refuse to speak our tongue
    and fertilize lawns with their dung
    Let’s deport them but first get their taco recipe
    Zippity-Spic

    • This is really . Impossible to fit into the piano Rhythm. Too wordy, too clunky, too inaccurate.. all that.

      Also the original ones were funny in these aren’t

  20. Oh, pat who wrote these posts is full of crap
    He’s trying to put his words in Artie’s yap
    He’s a xenophobic and a jerk
    And I bet he doesn’t work
    I hope he just logs off and shuts his trap
    Bigoty-boo

  21. Oh, women were not put on earth to think
    They were meant to iron shirts and scrub the sink
    And when they refuse to mind
    We should smack their cute behinds
    And put a tranquilizer in their drink

  22. OMFG…..Hilarious!!!

    Artie Kendall is the best skit on TV….SNL can’t touch this!!!

    I had to print this out to have all of his lyrics….Hopefully someone will put together a vid of every one that has been done….I’d pay for that!

  23. Hey, you know there was a new Artie Kendall sketch on Oct. 13 2008. You can watch it in the full show thing I think.

  24. Oh, woman should be locked inside a cage
    When I see them roaming free I’m filled with rage
    If they mention a career
    Just pinch their shapely rear
    And present her with a bucket and a mop

  25. Do you have any of the other lyrics, such as:
    From one episode, (3rd song)
    The Irish force their kids to drink,
    They use the toilet as a sink,
    They drag their knuckles when they walk, mumble when they talk,
    BY God I’d swear they are the missing link – Mickety Ape

    Same episode had one about women (2nd song)…

    The 2nd to last and last line was…..

    Keep them in the kitchen, so we can’t hear them bitchin’
    So they can scrape the dog doo from my shoe – Scoopity Poo

    I have the 1st song written down but not on me…

    From a seperate episode, 3rd song, aired in late Oct. ’08
    Irish people sell their kids for booze,
    Then buy them back so they’ll have someone to abuse,
    You can smell whiskey on their breath, even after death
    And they’ll be buried in their vomit-covered shoes – Pukety Mick

    Can’t find much on You Tube and would love to see Pimpbot 5000 on You tube also.

  26. here’s one:

    women should be branded just like cows
    so let’s heat up our branding irons now
    they won’t have so much to say
    with their mouths so filled with hay
    we should tie them just like bulls to the plow

  27. and one more thing, IT IS FUNNY. i hope artie kendall will still be on the tonight show w/conan o’brien & i hope we’ll see more of him as well ^^

  28. Wow, I found this blog in my old bookmarks and it’s pretty cool to see some random post I made back in August of 2006. I wonder if that kooky, crooning ghost will make his way over to Conan’s new studio in the Warner Bros lot for a taping of Conan (on TBS!).

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  33. Thank you!! Great compilation of Artie Kendall. Oh how I miss LNWCOB. Does anyone else think these lyrics sound a lot like they were written by Louis CK, even if just in the beginning?

  34. Very good

  35. Oh, Conan should go live without his hair
    So he can get the people’s 45-minute stare
    He has seven sets of wigs
    His head is pink as a pig
    That dome can give michael jordan a scare.


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